Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The "D" Word

In my last post, I let everyone know that I was "playing baseball" and had caught a pretty unexpected curve ball.
 I was a bit cryptic in my post, and had thought that I wasn't going to share details of what was going on in this blog.
However, an online friend gave me some great advice.
She reminded me that what was happening was part of my life.
And sharing my life was a good reason for having a blog - even if it is an "art" blog.
It is place for sharing my art - and my art is influenced by my life.
and this is part of my life.
So here it goes . . .
The "D" word,; splitting up; marriage ending . . .and all that goes with it.
25 years of marriage.
I just learned of this from my life partner a few weeks ago -
he was leaving and moving on.
I am shocked, surprised, heartbroken, confused, angry,
I have gone through every single emotion that a person can experience -
and many of them in a single day . . .a single hour.
Questions, questions and more questions.
In a matter of minutes, my life as i knew it completely changed.
So there it is.
The "D" word is an experience I will be going through over the next year.
And in the meantime, I will learn to adust to my new normal.

And I will learn to cope with these fluctuating emotions.
And to do that . . .
I walk.
I have been walking like I have never walked before.
Two and three walks a day.
Part of that is because I have a dog - a big dog.
And he needs to get out.
And the other reason . . .it seems to be helping me process and clear my head.
While I walk . . .
I meditate.
I pray.
I listen to music.
I sing.
I cry.
I think.
I watch the simple joy my dog seems to be experiencing while he walks and explores.
And I look -
and I am seeing so much simple beauty.
The beauty lifts my soul . . . and helps me to feel joy in this sorrowful time.

In the front yard of a neighbor . . .beautiful and perfect roses.
There are pink and red and varigated colors.
Ruffled petals in various stages of opening.
and the air surrounding the roses is heavy with their perfume.
Each day as I pass these, I pause and smell their sweet unique scent.
And I breathe deeply.

I walk through a grove of trees.
A unique little greenspace in the middle of the neighborhood.
And growing in patches of grass are sweet little daisies.
Their bright yellow centers surrounded by their tiny white petals.
I remember my mother teaching me how to tie these into chains -
the chains forming beautiful crowns that were more beautiful to me than any tiara.

I pass by a tall tree.
A portion of its root structure above the ground.
In the middle is a small "room".
I am quite certain that fairies live in here.

And by the time I return from my walk,
I feel a bit of a lightness return to my heart.

I will survive through this change.
My new normal will be established.
I will use my art to cope.
And I will find joy in the little things.


Giggles said...

Thank you for sharing your broken heart. The rose is so beautiful! There always seems to be so much hope in nature..things die off and come back better than ever. I hope you find more bits of beauty in your time of sorrow. I pray your new normal is better than you ever imagined possible!!

Big hugs Giggles

Trishelle said...

I love you! There is no doubt in my mind that you will absolutely rise above this, brilliant and beautiful as ever. Know this: You are not alone. There are so many of us who love you and support you!