What Is Joy?

5 x 7 watercolor with ink on watercolor paper

What is Joy?
Where do you feel joy?
What brings you joy?

Lately - as I have been participating in my summer art festivals, I have had a lot of customers looking for art pieces with the word "joy" on it.
And it got me to thinking -
Why? and . . .
 what is the difference between happiness and joy?

People are looking for reminders to feel joy.

Joy, in my opinion, is so much more encompassing than happiness.
Being happy is a wonderful state to be in, no doubt about it.
But feeling Joy . . .Experiencing a state of Joy. . .
Well -
that seems like so much more.

So I have been watching for moments of joy around me.

A few things that I have witnessed -
the utter delight of my 2 year old grandson as he played at the park.
He felt pure joy when he accomplished climbing the ladder of the slide and coming down all by himself.
The look on my dogs face as he runs through the park chasing his ball and greeting his dog friends.
The look of my best friend as she holds her 2 month old granddaughter and is greeted with a smile.
The look in my parents eyes when they gaze at each other.
The feeling of accomplishment for a job well done that, at first glance, seemed impossible.
The happiness I feel when I am surrounded by my children and they are laughing and loving each other.

Joy -
that feeling of so much happiness that you aren't quite sure how to contain it.
In fact - you feel as if you might burst from it.

And as I have paid attention to these moments, I realize -
the only way to experience JOY is to be fully engaged and present in the moment.
In each of the moments of joy that I witnessed,
those involved were not plotting their next adventure, or multi-tasking, or balancing their checkbook.
There were no phones, or texts, or tweets, or tumbles. . .
They were not engaged in tasks that required money or extravagant circumstances.
The moment was pure, and simple and real.
And they were fully engaged and present.

I am not overly optimistic or unrealistic.
I know that sometimes - life sucks!
Trust me - I know.

Many days - I have no choice but to multi-task from morning 'til night.
And I recognize - we all have moments of sadness and difficulty and challenges -
but in the end, we do have a choice.

How will we choose?
Will we choose to be consumed by darkness?
Will we choose to be consumed by "busy-ness"?
Will we be distracted and non-present?
And although, there are many instances where I have to roll with the busy-ness and the distractions and the sadness and the darkness -
in the end, at some point each day . . .
I choose JOY.

A Busy Month

All older print . . .but kind of appropriate for this occasion.

It feels like it has been a year since I have visited my blog.

At least a month . . .

And it has been a while, but really only a few short weeks.

Summer is supposed to be about lazy, slow days.

Waking up slowly, evenings spent sitting out on the deck and sipping a cool beverage.

Weekends lounging by a slow moving river.

Of course, my summer has been a bit different.

The combination of handling an upcoming divorce, my day job, and my art business has kept me more than busy.

So what has been going on over the last few weeks?

Well . . .

I had 2 major art shows. Which went great! Visited with lots of people and sent a lot of art home to go and live with their new families.

Mourned the sale of one of my favorite pieces of art. Glad that it went to a good home - but it was a favorite and I was sad to see it go.

Took my van to have it repaired.

Created more problems for the van.

Needed reliable transportation, so I bought a car.

That was scary - the first time I have had to make a purchase and decision of that size by myself.

Still working on having the van repaired because I need it to haul inventory to my sales.

Created and completed the biggest Purchase Order EVER for the local Made In Oregon stores.

Delivered the Purchase Order.

Had my living space of my house painted.

Listed my house "for sale".

Rearranged my living space.

Hung new art and shelves on the walls.

Bought new chairs for my living space off Craigslist.

Sat in my living and breathed a sigh of satisfaction.

Received an offer for the sale of my house.

Was overcome with the idea of an impending move.

Became exicted at the idea of an impending move.

Looked at my overgrown and weed filled backyard.

Walked away from the overgrown and weed filled backyard.

Filled over 10 smaller custom orders for clients.

Worked on inventory for upcoming sales.

Supplied inventory to another gift shop.

Went out to dinner and breakfast with friends.

Planned details of an upcoming vacation road trip for my daughter and myself.

I fixed my dining room table.

Laughed.

Cried.

Fought insomnia.

Slept.

Felt joy. Humility. Anger. Grief. Happiness.

Felt overwhelmed.

Created my to do lists and checked things off.

Felt proud.

Learned to ask for help.

Whew! No wonder I haven't had a lot of times for blogging and taking pictures of art work.

Now - before we all start looking for my superwoman cape - it must be stated . . .

I DIDN'T DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF!

I had help.

Lots of help -

from my kids, my parents, my brothers, my wonderful and amazing friends.

Did I say that I felt a lot of humilty?

There is nothing better than knowing you have people in your life that you can call and say "I need help" . . .

and their reply is "when and where?".

And they are right there by your side and helping you.

Or even better - they show up on your doorstep unannounced and just step in and "do".

Yes! I am humbled.

These last few months have been some of the worst days of my life.

And ironically - some of the best.

And I mean that honestly.

I have felt blessed, loved, and empowered.

My feelings of gratitude fo the amazing people in my life is all encompassing.

And so the adventure begins . . .



Where Would I Be Without A Song?

About a year ago I wrote a post about music.

I wrote how I was having a rough night and I retreated to my studio,

cranked up some music and through the power of a particular song -

the stress seemed to go away.

Today I will revisit that topic.

Lately - I am having a few more "rough" days than usual.

Now, please don't think that I am sitting at home,

having lost my will to go on.

It's nothing that dramatic.

In fact - quite frankly - I am doing quite well . . .

all things considered.

I have been making art like crazy.

I have had more orders than usual come in.

I have had successful art shows/festivals -

another one this weekend, in fact.

I am finding my groove in my new life as a single woman.

I am working through the "business" of divorce.

In fact - i can actually say the word now.

I smile more that I am sad.

I laugh more than I cry.

But some days . . .well -

the rough days creep in.

This last weekend I had a very successful art festival.

The weather was beautiful and the people were in abundance.

I saw old friends and met new ones.

It was a great weekend!

But it was also one of the hardest I have ever lived through -

I have been participating in this particular festival for the last four years -

and my husband was my partner each year.

We spent the whole weekend together as a team.

When I showed up with a girlfriend to set up my space, I was immediately asked where he was.

That set the pattern for the rest of the weekend.

They question "where is your husband?" was asked and I retold the story . . .

and answered questions, and received hugs and "I'm sorries".

The support was overwhelming.

But, although I felt all of the wonderful love and support -

each time the question was asked,

it was a bit like getting kicked in the stomach . . .over and over and over.

BUT . . .

I did well.

I stayed strong.

I kept a smile on my face.

Until Monday when I fell apart.

I was tired and it all caught up with me.

I cried. 

A lot.

You know the kind - gut wrenching, can't breathe, toxin cleansing crying. . .

A friend of mine sent me text to check in - how was I doing?

A rough day, I answered.

Her response was to have a cold diet pepsi and crank up some good music.

Obviously - she did not understand how upset I was.

Such simple advice for such a major meltdown.

I took the advice.

(I did; however, expand the advice to include a large bag of M&Ms - just for added insurance.)

I plugged my iPod into the dock in my studio and turned up the volume.

Way up.

The sound filled my studio room.

I was the only one home.

I pulled out the paints and the projects I was working on.

I was working on mindless base-coating - just laying in blocks of color.

The perfect task for singing.

I cleared my head and focused on the music.

I let the music play and I sang.

I sang loud.

I sang with feeling!

In between songs - I sipped my diet pepsi.

The music didn't change the fact that I was sad.

I am ok with feeling the sadness when it needs to be felt.

I need that to move forward.

But the music affected me on a soulful level.

As I sang - the tears cleared.

I felt a lift of pressure - I felt a bit of joy.

Through this process, many people have sent me songs to listen to.

Some of the songs talk about taking charge, surviving and using the bruises we gain in life to grow and excel.

The power of music cannot be understated.

A song can take me back to a particular place, a moment in time . . .

I can feel and smell and experience memories all over again when I listen to a song.

I have entire mood shifts based on the music I am listening to.

Music has been my companion through joy, sorrow, the birth of my children - I have used music to teach my children, to commemorate special events, to celebrate, to FEEL.

With music I feel the presence of God.

All I know - is that during this time of change -

music, art and a little diet pepsi seem to be the best medicine for this lady.

Excuse Me While I RANT!!!

If you do not want to listen to me rant,

then you should move on to a different blog.

It's been a rough week in my world.

It feels that no matter how much I do, I am not making a dent in the "to-do" list.

And last night seemed to tip the scales on what I could keep up on.

I've been jumping alot this last month.

I've been jumping through a major number of hoops.

Hoops to deal with financial issues, hoops to keep my home running smoothly,

hoops to keep my day job functioning, hoops to keep the art business moving along.

And many of these hoops have presented themselves because of my current situation.

I did not ask for these hoops.

I did not create the circumstance that has led to these hoops.

These are hoops that I have become solely responsible for because of someone elses choices.

And they are hoops that have been added to the many that I was already keeping in the air.

And that sucks!

I am resentful that "he" is not here to pick up part of the burden and responsibility.

I'm still waiting for the infamous "wings" to appear.

Most days - I am good.

I feel like I can do it.

I believe the "one thing and one day at a time" mantra.

I rationally know that what I don't get to today can wait.

I can address it tomorrow.

There are only so many hours in a day.

I believe that I need to be kind and patient with myself through this process.

I get all of that . . .rationally.

But emotions are not rational.

And when you add stress and lack of sleep - irrational emotion takes on a whole new look.

That of an ugly monster that refuses to be tamed with self talk and rationalization.

And last night I experienced a degree of tiredness that I haven't felt in a long time.
And the stress . . .well, let's not even go there.

I felt the deep, bone tired that you feel when you have pushed yourself further than you are used to for longer periods than normal.

I worked all day and then came home and worked all night.

Things that were normally taken care of by someone else fell to me.

I spent an hour last night loading up my van so that I can set up my booth for the weekend art festival after I finish working at my day job today.

I couldn't find important pieces - like the walls to my pop up tent that allow me to close up all of my inventory after hours.

I couldn't figure out how "he" used to pack the van to get everything in there and still leave room for a driver.

"He" never showed me how he did it or the order in which he put things in.

And I never asked because he was so efficient at it.

I had to walk the dog - and break him away from another agressive dog that decided to attack him completely unprovoked.
Redford was hit so hard by the other dog that it knocked his collar off him!
All Redford was doing was catching a ball I had thrown for him.

That just made me angry.

The owner of the other dog even admitted that "my dog is very cautious and unpredictable".

Then what is she doing at an off-leash dog park???

I had to do the dishes which had been ignored by the other inhabitants of my house.

That included chipping off dried on goo from the morning cereal bowls that had turned to concrete in the days heat.

There was laundry to be dealt with so that I had clean underwear for the morning (was that too personal to share?)

By the time I fell into bed,

the tears had come.

And they weren't tears of sadness.

They were tears of frustration and anger.
I was angry with everyone.
For everything.

I think it took me about 30 seconds to find sleep.

And I slept.
I slept through until morning.

Thank goodness!

And the sun came up and a new day started.

And I have found my balance again.

I woke and had a good conversation with myself -

looking into the mirror I reminded myself that

"I am enough"

I am doing a good job"

"I am the only one judging me and I need to be a little kinder"

"I deserve to find balance"
"I deserve happiness"

"I can jump and fly as high as I want"

Whew!

So here we are - back on track and ready to have a great weekend art show.

And if you look really close -

you might actually see a bit of my wings.