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My feelings for this week . . .hmmm. I don't even know how to answer this question.

I'm feeling a bit like I am lost in a vortex of some sort.

Not quite sure what I want to do - what I want to work on.

For some reason January is a difficult time for me every year.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been busy. Very, very busy.

I remember in high school having my days filled with school and extra curricular activities.

I would leave the house at 6:30 in the morning and return home at 10:00.

Go to bed.

Get up and do it again.

When I would have an occasional weekend off, I would spend it sleeping and achieving a proper vegtative state.

And then for one reason or another - the schedule would change and I would be faced with

days of free time.

Just school.

No before - no after school activities.

More than enough time to do all of the "have to's".

and the "have to's" were the last thing I wanted to do.

I would find myself in a stupor -

too much free time and not knowing what to do with it.

So I would accomplish nothing.

And that ate away at me.

I haven't changed much.

January is the same.

We are finished with the Holidays.

The decorations are put away.

I am finished with the mountain of winter shows.

I go home from my day job, make dinner for the family, we eat and then . . .

nothing.

Nothing is pressing the HAS to get finished right away.

My order board has a few things on it - but nothing bearing down on me.

The 6 am - 10 pm schedule is pleasantly free.

It is a gift.

But instead of appreciating the gift - I really just want to do nothing.

And when I do nothing - I feel guilty and irresponsible.

I hate operating under the pressure of impending deadlines.

I hate the stress that accompanies that.

Yet - the irony is . . .that seems to be when I am the most productive.

My brain is firing ideas and inspirations;

my ability to produce and get it all done happens more efficiently . . .

But when my schedule is like that,  I am cranky and short tempered when I am under that kind of stress.

I don't sleep well.

I don't "rationalize" well . . .

It truly is a catch-22.

How is it that a person can be at their best when they are at their worst?

So . . .as I face this new year -

I have not posted my resolutions - even though I have been asked the question.

Until now . . .

my goal for 2011 is to

"Be a deliberate creator of my own life".

I don't want to be a victim of crazy, overbooked schedules.

I want to be concientious about asking for help when I need it.

I want to make time for fun!

I want ot make time for creativity - not production of work - but actual creativity.

I want to take some art centered classes in order to glean inspiration from others.

I want to continue to build my network of artists.

I want to step outside of my comfort zone and ask others "how?" - so that I can achieve my dreams.

I want to deliberately think about me . . .my health, my diet, my physical body and what it needs.

I want to make a point to frequently connect with friends and family.

I believe that if I can be deliberate about my life - even if time is limited - my time can be more productive and worthwhile.

Perhaps I might even be able to find some balance!

OK - now that I have that out of my system -

Let's attack 2011 with a DELIBERATE VENGENANCE!!!