Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My feelings for this week . . .hmmm. I don't even know how to answer this question.
I'm feeling a bit like I am lost in a vortex of some sort.
Not quite sure what I want to do - what I want to work on.

For some reason January is a difficult time for me every year.
Ever since I can remember, I have always been busy. Very, very busy.
I remember in high school having my days filled with school and extra curricular activities.
I would leave the house at 6:30 in the morning and return home at 10:00.
Go to bed.
Get up and do it again.

When I would have an occasional weekend off, I would spend it sleeping and achieving a proper vegtative state.

And then for one reason or another - the schedule would change and I would be faced with
days of free time.
Just school.
No before - no after school activities.
More than enough time to do all of the "have to's".
and the "have to's" were the last thing I wanted to do.
I would find myself in a stupor -
too much free time and not knowing what to do with it.
So I would accomplish nothing.
And that ate away at me.

I haven't changed much.

January is the same.
We are finished with the Holidays.
The decorations are put away.
I am finished with the mountain of winter shows.
I go home from my day job, make dinner for the family, we eat and then . . .
Nothing is pressing the HAS to get finished right away.
My order board has a few things on it - but nothing bearing down on me.
The 6 am - 10 pm schedule is pleasantly free.
It is a gift.
But instead of appreciating the gift - I really just want to do nothing.
And when I do nothing - I feel guilty and irresponsible.

I hate operating under the pressure of impending deadlines.
I hate the stress that accompanies that.
Yet - the irony is . . .that seems to be when I am the most productive.
My brain is firing ideas and inspirations;
my ability to produce and get it all done happens more efficiently . . .

But when my schedule is like that,  I am cranky and short tempered when I am under that kind of stress.
I don't sleep well.
I don't "rationalize" well . . .

It truly is a catch-22.

How is it that a person can be at their best when they are at their worst?

So . . .as I face this new year -
I have not posted my resolutions - even though I have been asked the question.
Until now . . .

my goal for 2011 is to
"Be a deliberate creator of my own life".
I don't want to be a victim of crazy, overbooked schedules.
I want to be concientious about asking for help when I need it.
I want to make time for fun!
I want ot make time for creativity - not production of work - but actual creativity.
I want to take some art centered classes in order to glean inspiration from others.
I want to continue to build my network of artists.
I want to step outside of my comfort zone and ask others "how?" - so that I can achieve my dreams.
I want to deliberately think about me . . .my health, my diet, my physical body and what it needs.
I want to make a point to frequently connect with friends and family.

I believe that if I can be deliberate about my life - even if time is limited - my time can be more productive and worthwhile.
Perhaps I might even be able to find some balance!

OK - now that I have that out of my system -
Let's attack 2011 with a DELIBERATE VENGENANCE!!!


Stacey said...

I am in agreement with being a deliberate creator of our lives. There have been so many moments of my life that I have let others choose for me. Then it becomes their life, not mine. It isn't easy to create your own, especially if there is no history of it. But it is what our HF wants us to do. We chose His plan of freedom of choice, not to be told what to do and how to choose. So let's choose to be free of chaos, free of unhealthy behaviors, free of supressing who we are at our core. And in that freedom, we find ourselves! I love you, sista!

Buffy said...

I think the down time is a necessary part of the re-balancing. The important thing to remember is to stop feeling guilty about your vegetative state. Even our beautiful mother earth takes some months to replenish.

Ms. Cheryl said...

Your words were so familiar to my soul. I am blessed to be a housewife and have time to exercise my creative passions and yet I spend way too much time trying to figure out which direction to go...and in the end I accomplish very little. I joke that I have AADD (Art Attention Defecit Disorder lol). I'll start a project only to be distracted by another creative idea or domestic duties etc. I feel your pain, it is very frustrating. (see my blog

This year I am focusing on planning and marketing...and what my true vision is. It sounds like I am not alone in this endeavor. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you

Trishelle said...

Thank you for your blog post. I can relate to that feeling really well. For me, I feel like when things slow down, it's the first time I can shut off and at that point, that's all I want to do.

But one of the amazing things about you is that from all of these experiences you create something completely masterful. 2011 is going to be a GREAT year for you. I'm eager to see what you create!