My feelings for this week . . .hmmm. I don't even know how to answer this question.
I'm feeling a bit like I am lost in a vortex of some sort.
Not quite sure what I want to do - what I want to work on.
For some reason January is a difficult time for me every year.
Ever since I can remember, I have always been busy. Very, very busy.
I remember in high school having my days filled with school and extra curricular activities.
I would leave the house at 6:30 in the morning and return home at 10:00.
Go to bed.
Get up and do it again.
When I would have an occasional weekend off, I would spend it sleeping and achieving a proper vegtative state.
And then for one reason or another - the schedule would change and I would be faced with
days of free time.
No before - no after school activities.
More than enough time to do all of the "have to's".
and the "have to's" were the last thing I wanted to do.
I would find myself in a stupor -
too much free time and not knowing what to do with it.
So I would accomplish nothing.
And that ate away at me.
I haven't changed much.
January is the same.
We are finished with the Holidays.
The decorations are put away.
I am finished with the mountain of winter shows.
I go home from my day job, make dinner for the family, we eat and then . . .
Nothing is pressing the HAS to get finished right away.
My order board has a few things on it - but nothing bearing down on me.
The 6 am - 10 pm schedule is pleasantly free.
It is a gift.
But instead of appreciating the gift - I really just want to do nothing.
And when I do nothing - I feel guilty and irresponsible.
I hate operating under the pressure of impending deadlines.
I hate the stress that accompanies that.
Yet - the irony is . . .that seems to be when I am the most productive.
My brain is firing ideas and inspirations;
my ability to produce and get it all done happens more efficiently . . .
But when my schedule is like that, I am cranky and short tempered when I am under that kind of stress.
I don't sleep well.
I don't "rationalize" well . . .
It truly is a catch-22.
How is it that a person can be at their best when they are at their worst?
So . . .as I face this new year -
I have not posted my resolutions - even though I have been asked the question.
Until now . . .
my goal for 2011 is to
"Be a deliberate creator of my own life".
I don't want to be a victim of crazy, overbooked schedules.
I want to be concientious about asking for help when I need it.
I want to make time for fun!
I want ot make time for creativity - not production of work - but actual creativity.
I want to take some art centered classes in order to glean inspiration from others.
I want to continue to build my network of artists.
I want to step outside of my comfort zone and ask others "how?" - so that I can achieve my dreams.
I want to deliberately think about me . . .my health, my diet, my physical body and what it needs.
I want to make a point to frequently connect with friends and family.
I believe that if I can be deliberate about my life - even if time is limited - my time can be more productive and worthwhile.
Perhaps I might even be able to find some balance!
OK - now that I have that out of my system -
Let's attack 2011 with a DELIBERATE VENGENANCE!!!