DANCE

When I was five, my mom put me in the car one day and told me she had a surprise for me.

We drove for a while - really just a short distance - but to me it felt like forever.

We arrived at an old school and went inside.

I was confused and nervous.

What were we doing?

We stood in a really, really long line.

And then it happened - she signed me up for ballet lessons.

We then went and bought tights, and leotards, lots of bobby pins and the best part of all . . .

ballet slippers.

I went to dance lessons and learned to plie, and releve'.

I learned about first position and all of the other positions.

To this day - over forty years later - I tend to turn my feet out when standing.

I learned about working at the barre.

We practiced during each class to a live piano player who spent her afternoons playing classical music for us to point and kick to.

And then in the winter - the best thing of all happened -

we got dressed up in our costumes, had our hair pulled back into a tight bun, had our faces smothered in thick make-up and performed our routine on a large stage in downtown Portland.

This was the same stage that the best theatrical performances were given on, and concerts and all the best talent in our City performed on.

And I got to do my simple ballet routine on it.

The lights were so bright and hot.

The audience applauded for us.

It was magical.

And I became instantly addicted to performing.

 

I continued dancing for years to come - all the way through college.

Besides ballet -

I experimented with jazz and tap.

I played around with ball room.

If it was performed to music - I tried it.

And as I grew - I discovered my love of theatre and my favorite thing of all was to perform in musical theatre.

There, I was able to satisfy my love of acting, music and dance.

There I found my bliss.

To this day - If I hear wonderful music, it is next to impossible not to move in some way.

 

But somewhere along the way -

I stopped dancing.

I had children.

The family came first.

Money was tight.

Time was short.

Patience were stretched.

I gained a few (ok maybe more than a few) pounds.

And I stopped dancing on stage . . . in public . . .even in front of my family.

The few times I danced, I confined myself to the safety of my own home when no one was around.

 

Recently - I watched a movie on dancers.

It was a documentary about young ballet dancers who are driven, and passionate and desperate to dance every minute of their lives.

I watched as they stretched and practiced.

I watched as they extended their legs.

They made it look so easy and fluid. Yet - having been a dancer, I understood the dedication and hard work involved. The ultimate athleticism.

I found myself longing for the bloodied toes and the aching muscles. Those things were almost like "badges of honor" to us dancers.

My heart and muscles almost ached for the feel of dance while I watched the movie.

And the feeling lingered for some time afterwards.

 

We all have that thing that makes us ache inside -

maybe for you it is music, or a sport, or writing or . . . .?

It was that thing that you loved to do more than anything else when you were young.

It's that thing that makes you feel restless when you ignore it.

It calls to you. It drives you.

 

Do you answer the call?

Do you still do it?

Do you still pursue that passion on a daily basis?

Why do we let these things go as we become adults?

Somewhere along the way, we become convinced that working on those passions is a sign of immaturity.

Or worse yet - it's a sign of being selfish.

 

Really? Being true to ourself and doing that which makes us the best that we can possibly be is selfish?

As I have grown and changed, I have developed new passions - my art and writing. These

 are passions equal to performing and music and dance.

Does that make me greedy to have more than one?

And if I have such strong desires for my art and writing - am I being greedy to want to pursue the old and forgotten ones?

Does that make me selfish? Or self-absorbed?

 

I am beginning to challenge that thought in my own life now.

I am wanting to reclaim those lost passions.

I want to DANCE!

 

Fearless Warrior?

 

 

"For the warrior, the experience of a sad and tender heart is what gives birth to fealessness. Conventionally, being fearless means that you are not afraid or that if someone hits you, you will hit him back. However, we are not talking about that street-fighter level of fearlessness.

Real fearlessness is the product of tenderness." Chogyam Trungpa

 

A short time ago, a friend gave me a book. . .

 a self-help book, which normally I would run away from.

I'm just being honest.

But this one is different.

It's written for a real person. By a real person.

It's full of wonderful life experiences and I have found myself sucked into it -

reading little bits every day and feeling uplifted, inspired and stronger.

In fact, it is full of little sticky notes where I have read passages that jump off the page at me.

 

The above passage jumped off the page at me today.

 

I have a another very good friend - who teaches martial arts.

He refers to this craft as being a "peaceful warrior".

 

Peaceful warrior.

 

Now normally, I would have heard that phrase and I wouldn't have given it any attention.

But the word "warrior" is not one that I think of or use in my daily communications.

It has a connotation of someone who is fierce and scary and who likes to fight.

Some like the street fighter that Trungpa refers to.

Someone who gets pleasure out of fighting.

 

Or it conjures up images of Melk Gibson in Braveheart.

And if you know me very well . . .you know that I have never watched that movie because, again -

the idea of a warrior makes me uncomfortable.

In fact - it scares me a little.

 

So why am I hearing this word so often lately.

Seriously - it seems like I keep hearing and seeing this word.

What I am supposed to learn from this?

 

Hmmmm -

Then today, I read the above quote in my book.

And there is that warrior word again.

And Chogyam Trungpa states that a true warrior is tender.

A true warrior has experienced sadness and has a tender heart.

 

And as my friend stated - a warrior is peaceful.

Wow!

OK - obviously, I meant to learn a lesson here.

 

 

I have expereienced a lot of sadness this last six months.

I feel like I have been in a battle every day.

 

I have also experienced a lot of joy.

Big, little and medium sized victories -

 

I like to think that I have a tender heart.

Heaven knows - if I am in your presence and you begin to weep over something that is weighing you down . . .

I can guarantee I will be sharing your tears with you.

I tend to be very empathetic to others.

And as I continue to emerge from the experiences I have had over the last year,

I find that anger is one of the few emotions that I am NOT feeling.

Oh don't get me wrong - I have moments of being upset . . .even mad.

But anger is not an emotion that is dominating me right now.

I'm not angry with my circumstances or my ex husband or the universe . . .

quite the opposite.

I am curious as to what I can learn and share from this experience.

I am filled with compassion for my ex husband for the struggles that he is going through.

Does that mean I am being a doormat and am willing to not hold him accountable for his actions?

NO.

But I am filled with compassion and empathy.

I am filled with tendernes.

Through this experience I am learning a deeper sense of compassion and tenderness . . .

and I am learning to be more compassionate and tender to . . .

wait for it . . .

-

to MYSELF.

 

Yup.

Me.

Myself.

I.

 

Oh boy - is that ever new for me!

Compassion and tenderness and empathy -

those are emotions you have for other people - not yourself? Right?

I mean - as a wife, a mother . . .a woman -

we have a tendency to put everyone elses needs before our own.

To not do that is selfish.

But how many of us keep doing that and then one day we wake up, look in the mirror and find that we are no longer in there?

We have lost ourselves.

I have looked back on all of the things that I removed from my life in order to be the perfect, selfless woman -

I gave up on friendships, interests and passions.

But those were all things that made me who I was.

So - I became lost.

 

It's almost a new year.

And I have never been one to spend a lot of time lamenting over resolutions.

I don't really see the point in looking at ways to improve myself based on a date on the calendar.

But this year is different.

And I have already been working on those resolutions.

And my number one resolution? -

to put myself first.

 

Not in a selfish way - but in a way that allows me to be a better person in order to give those around me what they need.

To allow myself to continue to grow a more tender heart.

And I can't emotionally do that without caring for myself first.

I will be more tender with myself.

I will forgive myself for my faults and take responsibility for them so that I can improve.

I will learn to say no to those things  and more importantly - those people -  that make me feel like less of a person - or who seperate me from my true purpose.

 

I am going to work on becoming FEARLESS.

 

And - here is where I am going to go out on a limb -

I am going to work to become a WARRIOR!

Is there anything more indulgent and enjoyable than sitting in bed,

watching a favorite guiltly pleasure on tv

and creating something fun?

this was some more fun that I was having with my new markers.

I wish I had curls like her.