Friday, July 13, 2012

Excuse Me While I RANT!!!

If you do not want to listen to me rant,
then you should move on to a different blog.
It's been a rough week in my world.
It feels that no matter how much I do, I am not making a dent in the "to-do" list.
And last night seemed to tip the scales on what I could keep up on.

I've been jumping alot this last month.
I've been jumping through a major number of hoops.
Hoops to deal with financial issues, hoops to keep my home running smoothly,
hoops to keep my day job functioning, hoops to keep the art business moving along.

And many of these hoops have presented themselves because of my current situation.
I did not ask for these hoops.
I did not create the circumstance that has led to these hoops.
These are hoops that I have become solely responsible for because of someone elses choices.
And they are hoops that have been added to the many that I was already keeping in the air.

And that sucks!
I am resentful that "he" is not here to pick up part of the burden and responsibility.

I'm still waiting for the infamous "wings" to appear.
Most days - I am good.
I feel like I can do it.
I believe the "one thing and one day at a time" mantra.
I rationally know that what I don't get to today can wait.
I can address it tomorrow.
There are only so many hours in a day.
I believe that I need to be kind and patient with myself through this process.
I get all of that . . .rationally.

But emotions are not rational.
And when you add stress and lack of sleep - irrational emotion takes on a whole new look.
That of an ugly monster that refuses to be tamed with self talk and rationalization.

And last night I experienced a degree of tiredness that I haven't felt in a long time.
And the stress . . .well, let's not even go there.
I felt the deep, bone tired that you feel when you have pushed yourself further than you are used to for longer periods than normal.
I worked all day and then came home and worked all night.
Things that were normally taken care of by someone else fell to me.
I spent an hour last night loading up my van so that I can set up my booth for the weekend art festival after I finish working at my day job today.
I couldn't find important pieces - like the walls to my pop up tent that allow me to close up all of my inventory after hours.
I couldn't figure out how "he" used to pack the van to get everything in there and still leave room for a driver.
"He" never showed me how he did it or the order in which he put things in.
And I never asked because he was so efficient at it.
I had to walk the dog - and break him away from another agressive dog that decided to attack him completely unprovoked.
Redford was hit so hard by the other dog that it knocked his collar off him!
All Redford was doing was catching a ball I had thrown for him.
That just made me angry.
The owner of the other dog even admitted that "my dog is very cautious and unpredictable".
Then what is she doing at an off-leash dog park???
I had to do the dishes which had been ignored by the other inhabitants of my house.
That included chipping off dried on goo from the morning cereal bowls that had turned to concrete in the days heat.
There was laundry to be dealt with so that I had clean underwear for the morning (was that too personal to share?)

By the time I fell into bed,
the tears had come.
And they weren't tears of sadness.
They were tears of frustration and anger.
I was angry with everyone.
For everything.

I think it took me about 30 seconds to find sleep.
And I slept.
I slept through until morning.
Thank goodness!

And the sun came up and a new day started.
And I have found my balance again.

I woke and had a good conversation with myself -
looking into the mirror I reminded myself that
"I am enough"
I am doing a good job"
"I am the only one judging me and I need to be a little kinder"
"I deserve to find balance"
"I deserve happiness"
"I can jump and fly as high as I want"

So here we are - back on track and ready to have a great weekend art show.
And if you look really close -
you might actually see a bit of my wings.


Giggles said...

I used to say to my daughter, "the difference between a bad day and a good day is one sleep." Lets hope that holds true for you! I am so sorry life has put the boots to you while you're down!

Don't be afraid to ask for help during this tough time, and let your " others " know you are just a human being like them! I think people forget that when we seem to manage everything!It's hard to think let alone function when one is bone tired. Add grief to the mix, and you have a perfect concoction for a melt down! Take care of yourself! I know, easier said than done!! Back to the beginning, ask for help..... just until you get your routine down in this new life!!Big virtual hug Laurie!! After this show do something really nice for candle lit bath, glass of wine, what ever is your pleasure? Something....anything...and hugs to Redmond too!!

Hugs Giggles

An'Angelia Thompson said...

I was happy to read your rant, Laurie. It means you're not suffering in silence and leaving all that nasty stuff inside to eat you alive! And you know what? I CAN see a bit of your wings - they're going to be MAGNIFICENT! xoxox

Kelly Warren said...

Amen, sister. I think sometimes we just all need a good rant and I'm happy you shared yours. I hope things lighten up for you soon.