Change

Warning: a whine fest is coming up.

Come on - come all!

She's up. She's down. She's all over the place.

She is the human emotional pretzel.

 

I am at a significant crossroads.

Decisions have to be made.

Changes have to be made.

I know this is for the best - but I am struggling with emotions and grief.

I have done great at getting control of my emotions - but this last week I have felt it all starting to slip a bit.

OK - more than a bit -

a lot.

I know I am strong.

I know I can do this.

I know I will be so much better off in the end.

But . . .

 

One of the consequences of my divorce is the fact that I can no longer remain in my home.

It is a good thing.

My home is full of issues that need attention including gutters that need to be replaced, molding that is not completed, floors that need to be replaced, walls that need to be painted, a back yard that is so overgrown a person could get lost in it, a front yard that is unfinished -

Most of these projects are reminders of all that was really wrong in my marriage.

We could talk big about things - we could start them -

but the follow through and finishing of said things rarely happened.

Much like the marriage itself -

we talked about forever -

but the follow through didn't happen.

 

Once the decision was undeniable that the marriage was over, I contacted a realtor to list my house.

The value of my neighborhood has dramatically fallen over the last few years.

The only option was a short sale.

That, in and of itself, was difficult enough.

But I proceeded.

And I expected that things would be finalized and I would be moving around the first of the year.

 

A week ago I received a phone call that things are moving faster than expected

and I now realize I need to be out of my home before Thanksgiving.

 

I went looking for a place this weekend.

I found one - it will be great.

But there will be changes and things to adapt to.

I will be in a "complex" in a lovely town home that has everything I want and need -

but it is in a complex.

I have never lived in a complex where I had to fight for parking or share walls.

I am not sure if I will be able to keep my dog.

I am leaving my home.

 

With all of the bad - this is the place where I have raised my children.

It is the place of birthday parties, holiday celebrations, family dinners, evenings spent around the outdoor fire, movie nights, making music together, laughter, tears . . .Family.

A move will allow me the chance to start over.

But I am saddened at the cost.

My family is forever changed.

And although I feel my wings sprouting and I know that I will be brighter and happier -

I mourn for the loss.

This move will symbolize the final point of "the end".

There is no going back.

And although I do not want to go back . . .

well, I'm sure you understand.

 

I have so appreciated this blog and the support I have felt through it.

The strength I have gained from putting this all out there.

And although most days,

I feel strong - today, that is not the case.

Taking Care of My Bamboo . . .

Ted Talks.

I love them.

A while ago a friend turned me on to a talk that was delivered in Portland.

It was called "Watering the Bamboo".

It's about twenty minutes

- but seriously -

take twenty minutes and watch it.

Go on - click on the link above and watch it.

Then come back and finish reading.

You will not regret it.

It will inspire you.

It will make you feel hopeful and full of purpose.

It will give you a new insight into this crazy thing called life.

 

So now . . .

about the drawing above.

This is not one of my best.

I get that.

But remember - I work an 8-5 job in an office.

I attend a lot of meetings.

I suffer from a little condition I call AADD -

Artists Attention Deficit Disorder.

I have a hard time sitting still during meetings.

I get fidgety. I get anxious. And then I miss everything that is being said.

So I doodle.

I am a bit of a joke around the office -

everyone wants to see my "meeting notes" because they are usually filled with all sorts of drawings and doodles with a few notes, words and reminders scattered about.

 

I was in a meeting the other day.

 I had just watched the Ted Talk on Watering the Bamboo the day before.

And it was still swirling around in my head.

This is the doodle that came out.

 

It was obviously still sitting in my sub-concious.

And I really spent some time thinking about my situation.

 

A few days ago, I received notice from my realtor that the deal on my house was nearing completion.

Where I thought I would be moving out of my home after the first of the year -

I discovered that it would probably be before Thanksgiving.

I hung up the phone and instead of happiness and relief I felt anger, panic and sadness.

I cried.

Where am I going to go? How am I going to move 16 years worth of stuff?

When am I going to get all of this done?

How much change can I person deal with in a short period of time?

 

But the words of the bamboo analogy came back to me.

Now - to understand what a profound effect this had on me - you will have to watch the video.

Just suffice it to say -

I was reminded, by my very wise father, of  all the things that had been taking place over the last few years leading up to these very important moments.

And it's good.

It's very very good.

And since the day that my life was thrown off kilter -

I have had some absolutely wonderful things take place.

Many that I can't even talk about here yet.

But dreams and wishes are beginning to come true.

And the thing is -

I don't think they would have happened if things had stayed the way they were.

 

So basically -

I have spent the last several years watering my bamboo.

And now - it has sprouted.

And watch out -

cause it is starting to grow!

 

Here are a few other silly office meeting doodles . . .

Nothing to do with the bamboo, but I figured I share them just the same!

A little Halloween doodle . . .

Patterns and designs doodle . . .

 

 

 



Dream while you are awake

 

We all dream. . .

Pretty much every night.

In fact, in College I did a research paper on dreams.

It was fascinating.

The cycles of sleep, the importance of sleep and more importantly -

the importance of dreams.

Did you know that we dream multiple times through the night?

And we only remember our dreams if we wake up in the middle of it?

Things that make you go hmmmmm . . .

 

So what are we dreaming that we don't remember?

And why should all of the good dreams happen when we are asleep and we can't enjoy them?

 

I prefer to save the good ones -

the really wonderful inspiring, juicy dreams for when I am awake and I can remember them.

And that way  -

Maybe I can actually participate and make them come true.

FALL

FALL.

AUTUMN.

Colors are more intense.

Mornings are darker.

It's darker earlier in the evening.

Days are still warm but . . .different.

Air is crisp.

It takes a bit longer to be ready to shed the sweatshirt.

I find myself wanting to cocoon in a little longer.

I'm sad to see you go summer.

I didn't get nearly enough days to lie and around and do nothing.

But then . . . I never do.

But Fall - I am happy to welcome you in.

I have missed you.

I am looking forward to breaking out the sweaters.

I am looking forward to warm comfort foods . . .

soups, slow cooked meals.

I am looking forward to lighting candles.

Drinking hot tea.

Thick comforters.

Thick socks.

 

OK - I think I am ready.